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06/06/11--04:43: Facing the Scary “C” Word: “Confrontation” (chan 3174445)

- The Balance of Love and Law -One of the most difficult things about interpersonal relationships is the occasional need to confront another person about their behavior. If you are like me, you do your best to avoid confrontation, usually with a justification like, “Well, the Bible calls us to be long-suffering.” However, when I look at my true motives, I often find that they are not so righteous. Instead, my motives are self-centered and based upon faulty beliefs that have their roots in my childhood. Let me explain.

Very early in life you learned a very important lesson about obedience. If you obeyed your parents, then nothing bad would happen. If you didn’t obey, you would get punished, restricted, or experience some kind of pain. Sometimes you’d get into trouble and you had no clue what you did wrong. In either case, you had to learn to conform to some standard, some rule, that was placed upon you. If you didn’t conform to the rules, you would quickly run into bigger trouble with the powers that be.

Of course, learning to follow the rules of the family, classroom, society, etc., is not a bad thing in the least. Failure to obey all these rules would be disastrous to any individual. But what if you were raised in a family that had lots of rules but very little love? What if the rules seemed more important than the people they were designed to protect? Personalities are shaped during the early years of our lives, and if your family environment was filled with lots of “law” but very little “love” we would expect several significant impacts upon your development.

In a family heavy in law but light on love, it may become very important to you to never be wrong . . . about anything. Without a foundation of attachment and love, the value of a person would come from following the rules and never doing anything wrong. Yet, this fragile sense of self-worth would be constantly challenged because no one can do everything right all the time. Over and over again, you would be found to be at fault for not being perfect. If a mistake is made, it would have to be denied and covered up, or the result would be a deep sense of self-doubt and personal shame. Like men with sexual addiction, the sin must be hidden, kept in darkness, or the shame would be overwhelming.

Additionally, it is difficult to confront someone about a behavior when you have far worse offenses hidden below the surface. Your wife may feel the same way when she knows about the sexual acting out behavior, and in her mind you have no right to confront her about anything until the Lord returns. “You broke the rules of our marriage and now you owe me big.” If this debt can never be repaid and you cannot confront her again, then you will grow more and more resentful about the imbalance of power in the relationship. You must be able to share with your spouse both the good and the bad ways you are affected by her. Such is the basis of emotional intimacy, and without it, your relationship cannot stay healthy.

- To Slam or Clam, Either is a Sham -Many of the men I work with in my private practice have tremendous difficulty confronting their wives about anything. They may be hurt by something she said or did, but instead of saying anything to her, the typical response is to clam up. Unfortunately, this technique only serves to confirm a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness. Sometimes wives will actually try to get a response to see if their husband is emotionally alive. It’s as if he has turned off his emotions and she is left with the dubious task of trying to read his mind by any little thing he says or does. Passive withdrawal can kill two birds with one stone. It is a response to our own fear and insecurity. Like a child in school who is afraid to raise his hand to answer the question, we hold fast to the rule, “when in doubt do nothing.” But simultaneously, it can be a passive expression of hostility because the emotional shutdown usually drives the wife up a wall. If we have been hurt by her, the clamming up response can bring some satisfaction when we see the resultant frustration developing in her.

The other option is to let the fury fly and slam the person who needs confrontation. If their behavior has been eating away at us for any length of time, the confrontation could easily become an explosion. Like the proverbial pressure-cooker analogy, the steam release valve isn’t working properly, so an explosion is eminent. The emotions come out in a cathartic outpouring and the recipient of the anger doesn’t understand why it is so intense. Both “Clamming” and “Slamming” are different sides of the same dysfunctional coin. The answer is to be assertive in expressing what we need. What does that mean exactly? It means letting her in on our feelings such that it doesn’t threaten or degrade her in any way. Confrontation requires action, not passivity. It requires tact and wisdom to share our emotions without harm to our spouse. Most of all, it requires courage to confront those we love.

by Dan Jenkins




06/14/11--05:00: Does This Mean Anything To You? (chan 3174445)

Romans 2:4, "Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?"

When we live a life of habitual sin do we really grasp the kindness and patience of God? At some point doesn't our tolerance for habitual sin prove our ignorance of God's wonderful kindness?

Many times in my life I have approached God hesitantly. The pattern of sin in my life has ground me down to a crawl and I approach God in shame. I ask myself, "how many times will you confess and repent only to turn back to that same sin?"

I can see the same struggle in my relationship with my son. He struggles with talking back to his mom (I'm sure no one else has this issue!). After we talk about his behavior he sincerely apologizes but 5 minutes later he is back to the same behavior. We talk, he says sorry, he repeats, we talk, sorry, repeat, talk, sorry, repeat. Eventually he shy's away from saying sorry at all; he doesn't want to go through the same routine again. Over time he realizes how ridiculous it is to constantly apologize and yet never change. As much as I hate the pattern, being his Dad I am always prepared to listen to him, embrace him, and look forward. I know that together we can eventually overcome this struggle.

God is always prepared to listen to you, embrace you, and look forward in spite of our struggle with sin. God hates our sin, but as his Children he is always prepared to forgive us and move ahead. Paul reminds us of God's attributes:

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." [2 CORINTHIANS 1:3]

He is merciful. He is the God of every variety of comfort. He is encouraging and compassionate. It is a struggle but I must not take these attributes for granted. It is time I stop acting like a small child and truly turn from the sin that entangles me. As Paul says, "Does this mean anything to you?" The way to overcome your struggle with sin is not through avoidance but by coming face to face with our loving and caring Father. He will mold you, chip away the filth, and transform you into the person he intended from the beginning. This will be a lifelong journey. Stay the course.

Embrace his attributes. Come humbly before God the Father. Talk. Confess. Look forward.




06/20/11--09:16: Ministering Through Our Experience of Recovery (chan 3174445)

I began counseling Sarah almost eight years ago. Her addictions and self destructive behavior were misguided attempts to keep her painful feelings at bay, to keep her ‘in the land of numb’. Recovery has been an inch by inch experience as we plumbed the depths of her painful past. Despite some occasional emotional struggles and setbacks, she and her husband now have a marriage neither could have imagined before they began the journey toward recovery together.As our congregation prepares to begin “Celebrate Recovery”, a wonderful program based on the Beatitudes, I asked Sarah to lead the group for sexually abused women. Though she stills struggles with the shame of her past she sincerely desires to use her experience to help others. Recently she said to me, “It would be a shame not to use my experience to help others.” Satan’s purpose is to keep us bound in the shame of our sins and secret past, isolated from God and from one another.God’s intention for our recovery was demonstrated most clearly on the cross when He defeated sin, death and the devil. The open tomb on Easter declared to the world God’s power to rescue those held by death’s bonds and by the devil’s lies, to free them to experience His amazing, unconditional love.St. Paul writes, “He forgave us all our sins, 14having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. 15And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.” (Col.2:13b-15).The scars on His resurrected body became the evidence of Jesus’ triumph. Ministering to others through our recovery requires that we show them our scars. God has chosen to use our scars and the vulnerability it takes to show them to offer hope, wisdom, encouragement and warning to those embarking on the journey toward recovery.Our Scars Give HopeTed Rose, a former elder who has gone home to be with Jesus, loved to visit the sick and shut-ins. Once he visited a man who was to undergo heart surgery the following day. He was visibly shaken at the thought of having his body cut open. Ted offered to pray with the man and to show his own scar from heart surgery. Seeing Ted’s scar had a very calming effect. Our scars show the world that we survived our wounds and that there can be healing for those whose wounds are still bleeding.Our Scars Offer WisdomIt is important that we learn from our mistakes, but heaven help us if it is the only way we learn! How much better to learn from the mistakes of others. King David sinned and, for a time, was in denial about it. God’s hand was heavy upon him until he finally came clean about his secret sin. After he confessed his sin and received forgiveness he wrote, “8I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. 9Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.“ (Psalm 32).The mistakes we have made can serve as warnings to those considering a short-cut to recovery. Our failures can expose the traps and pitfalls Satan conceals from view.Our scars Offer EncouragementThose beginning recovery usually have a difficult time receiving God’s love for them because of an overwhelming sense of shame. Those who bare their scars give great encouragement to accept what cannot now be felt. Their scars testify to the healing power that flows from God‘s loving touch. When the walking wounded see us and hear our candid testimonies they are encouraged to believe that God could love even them.Paul often recalls his past life for this very purpose: “15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.”(1 Timothy 1:15-16).To Titus he wrote, “12I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. 13Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.”As we share our scars with the wounded I believe that God continues to work healing in our own lives. Certainly the telling of our stories and the response we receive dispels the commonly held belief: “If you really knew me you wouldn’t love me”. We are refreshed and encouraged as we see the way God uses our scars to touch the lives of others. When we get to heaven and see Jesus, we will gaze upon His scars. They are “the marks of love the Father chose never to erase.” (Michael Card)

by Pastor Ed Grant




07/05/11--16:12: Chew Toy (chan 3174445)

Like many young couples my wife and I lived in a small apartment for the first several years of our marriage. But it was that first year that became quite an ordeal because we decided that we needed a pet (since we weren't ready to start a family). Sure enough we picked up a little black lab mix for free from a guy giving puppies away at a Wal-Mart parking lot. We brought the little guy home and introduced him to his new place.

We quickly found out that labs love to chew things. In this case this puppy chewed anything in sight! The chewing got worse especially since my wife and I were both gone all day and we learned that pets suffer from SEPERATION ANXIETY. Since the little guy was lonely we got the great idea that he needed a friend so we went out and bought another lab puppy thinking that would help! Things quickly went from bad to worse. We would come home to our little apartment and find shoes, carpet, sofa cushions, and even pieces of mini blinds all over the place.  They even chewed the door jams and the kitchen linoleum!

Apparently both pets suffered from separation anxiety!

I share that story with you because I realized recently that we "CHEW" on porn because of our own separation anxiety! In other words the separation from our heavenly father has left us with anxiousness that we attempt to cure by chewing on anything in site. Porn is the perfect "chew toy" for broken humanity because it is always available to gnaw on and at least for a few brief moments it satisfies. I'm convinced that all the "chewing" reveals a deep longing for connection, intimacy, and community. Until we can learn to turn away from (through the Holy Spirit) our decadent diversions things far more important than shoes, sofas, and linoleum floors are going to be destroyed - mainly marriages, families, friendships, and ministries.

Scripture points out that Jesus came to "reconcile" or bring us back into right relationship with the father. That is an ongoing work that won't be fully completed until we are in the kingdom but along the way we'll often settle for the ever-present chew toy of porn. Read Romans 5:9-11, 2 Corinthians 5:17-19, Col.1:21-23




08/01/11--04:39: Yes; Shattered Lives Are Avoidable (chan 3174445)

Absolutely. Positively. Broken. Shattered into millions of tiny pieces, strewn about the room. A husband’s confession tore open the heart of his wife, and she lay huddled in an almost embryonic state. A decade long married crumbled at the state of his depravity. If only someone was there to help him along the way. 

This man gave up his fight against porn because no one wanted to help him. People simply avoided him; cast him aside as a dirty, filthy wretch. They saw the sin in his life more than they saw him, so he just kept silent, while destruction continued brewing inside. 

Porn has a way of destroying things: Marriages, hope; life. It’s like a termite slowing working its way through a home until it all comes crumbling down. However, there is a remedy, a solution to this ever-growing problem: us. Yes, we are frail, corrupted sinners, but we can make a difference. Christians have been called by Christ to live in a community where these problems are brought out into the open, discussed, challenged and dealt with. The problem lies in the inability to talk and live through the hard stuff of life. 

As pastors, our calling is to be the leaders on the front line in dealing with issues such as pornography. We are not called to sit back and judge or stay silent, but rather stand up for our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and their families. The challenge for you now is this: will you stand up and avoid the silence by addressing the elephant in the pew?

 




08/08/11--11:47: In Memoriam: James (chan 3174445)

James was a man who longed for something deeper in his life. For years he was bound by the trappings of pornography. Porn soaked its way into every aspect of his life: His work, his personal relationships; everything. It literally controlled him. Church was never a part of his context, so when the church I serve at offered up a Sunday devoted to the topic of porn, James decided to attend. It was at this event that he found a community he longed for- one that was real and relevant- unafraid to tackle the difficult issues of sin. He saw Christianity as finally being something tangible; and he wanted it. That Sunday and the following porn breakfast altered the course of James’ life for eternity. 

James died two months ago from a long battle with cancer. Seeing a fully grown man go from weeping over the sin of his past and handing his life over to God to a man bold and strong in his final days took its tole on the church community. I found solace though in the knowledge that x3Church made a difference in this man’s life. It was through an open conversation that God spoke mightily in his life. 

I say this for you today in order to embolden your task to seek the lost no matter where they are in their fallenness. James was a sinner, stuck in his ways, saved by the grace of God. Porn has no foothold in a man’s life where the Gospel is spoken boldly. So rise up church and be strengthened. Nothing shared on behalf of Jesus will return void.




08/19/11--05:21: 2 Ways Ministers Helped Me and 5 Ways They Could Have Helped Me (chan 3174445)

My counselor asked me to share my story with a group of pastors recently.  The Pastor’s meeting was focusing on ministering to the broken and he thought my story would be helpful.  He also asked me to share how ministers helped me through my sexual addiction recovery and how they could have helped me.  Most of my thoughts have to do with the Crisis Stage of Sexual Addiction, the immediate few months after my secret sin was revealed.

Here’s some of what I shared:

TWO WAYS MY PASTOR FRIENDS HELPED ME

They loved me enough to confront me – My two pastor friends found out about my computer usage a couple of weeks earlier.  They lovingly waited for the right time to confront me and spent a lot of time thinking through their strategy knowing that it would bring my family to a screeching halt and put our new church plant in jeopardy.

They helped us financially – The director I worked for was able to help our family out with a couple of month’s pay while we were leaving our church and preparing to leave the area.

WAYS MINISTERS COULD HAVE HELPED ME

Being safe people to share with – Many ministers we have been around don’t feel safe.  Safety is much more than confidentiality.  It also means love, grace, compassion, mercy.  Instead, we have felt condemnation, anger, and outcast like lepers by some ministers.

Pointing us toward resources – It took us a long time to find resources.  We thought we were alone.

Helping us find a support structure – Our ministers didn’t have to be the experts for us.  We did need ministers to help us find God in the midst of our crisis.  Ministers should point us to experts – counselors, ministries, other individuals or couples who could help us.

Walking in the mud with me and my wife – We were told by our minister friends that they would help us through, but there was little to no follow up.  We never felt like they were committed to walk in the mud with us.  Instead, we were quietly encouraged to leave and go find help somewhere else.

Special support for my wife – My world blew apart, but my wife had the biggest shock.  She felt very alone.  She struggled with her own issues related to my addiction.   She was forced to take over leadership in our family and make decisions.  In the middle of her trauma, she went into survival mode.  She thought she was alone.

Most of our help through my sexual sin has come from outside of the churches we’ve been a part of.  We’re not angry at our ministers, just sad that they weren’t better equipped to help us, especially in the first few months of our crisis.

I hope my story and these tips are helpful to you as you work with people in your congregations and parishes who come to you with sexual struggles.

Jeff and his wife have been helping so many individuals and couples by sharing ther story and experience. They do this through their ministry Porn To Purity. We are very blessed to have someone like Jeff & Marsha prvoide their insight for everyone here.




09/06/11--07:43: Where Is Your Source? (chan 3174445)

Tired? Exhausted? Fatigued? Can you relate? You spend your entire day attempting to meet the needs of your family, staff, and attenders in the midst of crafting a teaching for weekend services. Who is taking care of you? Where are you finding rest? Where are you re-energizing your batteries?I know I can relate. I am in the midst of an intense ministry season that seems to gain momentum rather than slow down. I find it harder and harder to summon the energy to care for my wife and engage my children. It’s not because I don’t love them. And it’s not because they are difficult to serve.My motives are pure as I attempt to wade into the lives of the people I love and care for in my church. Unfortunately, they too often get the best of me. The drive home is merely an opportunity to decompress from my day. I walk into my home ready for a quiet evening. However, there is homework to assist with, meal clean-up, bath time, reading with the kids, and if I am lucky, a few sacred moments with my wife. Unfortunately, that can too often turn into a business meeting in which we choose which bills to pay, decide how to manage the kids’ schedule, or determine which fault we are going to hold against one another. Can you relate? So what happens?You know the drill. You sit down and flip thru the channels or surf the web…just looking. No real intent to do anything, but just catching up on the news, sports, and maybe your favorite blog. But then it hits you. You get that tingly feeling in your stomach…kind of that nervous adrenaline rush. Your mind begins to race as you think about the sites you could visit. Things are tense with your spouse and she is sound asleep. What if I just take a peek? Wouldn’t it feel good to take care of yourself? I am entitled right? Am I really hurting anyone? Who will know?I am amazed at how often I could be the main character in this story. Serving God is dangerous. We open ourselves up for attack. We get weary and we lose the ability to fight. But isn’t that an illusion? Did we ever have the power to fight? Who are you relying on to grind through temptation and remain obedient? Is it yourself?Have you ever read Galatians 6.8? The apostle Paul tells us that when we sow to please the sinful nature we reap destruction, yet if we sow to please the Spirit we reap eternal life. Where is your perspective? Paul is pouring himself out for the Galatians to remind them that when they believed they were given the gift of the Spirit [Gal. 3.2-3]. It is the Spirit who enables each of us to live courageously and generously. That means when we believe we place ourselves under the Holy Spirit’s care and He enables us to produce love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.Who are you relying on? Who is your power source?




10/04/11--09:55: Go Ahead Compromise. It's Cool... Right? (chan 3174445)

It's all the rage these days. Pastors who lead their church with showboating excellence, when behind the curtains there exists a fragile and broken leader; afraid to live out who they really are. Unable to confess their junk and be real with their staff, their elders; their congregations, they align themselves squarely in the corners of the Pharisees, the one group Jesus challenged more than any other. 

Matthew 23:15, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are."

The problem is, that when a pastor compromises, they make it acceptable for their congregations to do the same. With or without their knowledge, they have set a new tone of compromise with their lives seal of approval.

This is no way to lead a church. Or family. Or one's own life. It is destructive on every level. So, how can we turn from the compromising way and begin anew? Perhaps these three keys will help:

Get real with yourself, your staff, those who lead you and those you lead. It is a messy process, but it is the authentic process of life and your church will never experience the fulness of God unless this happens.  Develop a system of accountability that works. That means protection on all fronts. So alongside of the above #1 response, work to develop an ongoing process of transparency. 

We all know this process is hard. It's messy and full of junk. But it's your junk. Don't let it become everyone else's junk too. Don't let it become the new tone of acceptability. Push back. Fight. Don't compromise.




10/11/11--09:56: Where Are Your Boundaries? (chan 3174445)

Are you clear about the boundaries you’ve drawn in you’re life?We set boundaries for all sorts of things in our lives only to break them hours later. My worship guys at our church are always setting food boundaries, specifically pizza boundaries, which they never keep. Maybe you have set boundaries connected to the food you eat, the number of weekly counseling sessions you will offer, how many hours you will work a day, or how many nights you will be away from home. Your attempts may have fallen short so many times that you think, “What’s the point?” Our failures have resulted in a life without boundaries. Should we simply neglect to set boundaries because we have a history of breaking them? I think not.Even though we struggle to keep simple boundaries we must be persistent in identifying them for our success. Here’s why.1.    A lack of initiation always ends in abundant failure.If you just hope to be successful in life without clear and measurable plans you will fall short. Very few people in our world just end up successful without hard work, discipline, and a measurable plan. We tend to think success in our sexual integrity will one day fall out of the sky. Maybe you are waiting until your sex drive subsides or your spouse becomes sexually charged. The problem is this may never happen or by the time it does you may have done un-repairable damage to yourself and your relationships.It is time to take the initiative. It is time to set boundaries of your own and devise a plan for success. What are you waiting for? Most of us know what boundaries we need to set up because we have counseled countless people to success. Now is time for you to make the change inside of you! Enough talking. It is time for some actions to back up your words.“Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything?” [JAMES 2:14]Stop right now and initiate some new boundaries in your life that will actually HELP you become more Godly. Why are you still reading? STOP NOW AND MAKE A SHORT LIST. Now read on… 2.    If you don’t set boundaries someone will set them for you.“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” [JOHN 10:10]John reminds us of two extremely important points in chapter 10. First, there is an enemy that will do anything to deceive and distract you from God’s purposes and plans. This enemy will take advantage of your lack of discipline and lead you into a life of loose boundaries. He will attempt to convince you that boundaries with women or men in your church are unnecessary. He will attempt to convince you that your will power alone is strong enough to overcome temptation. He will convince you that little steps away from God’s ideal life won’t hurt you. Just like with Adam and Eve he will not stop until you have ruined God’s intentions for your life. As Christian leaders, we cannot allow this to happen. People are looking at you, learning from you, and duplicating your boundaries in their lives. We must set the example. If we deny the need for boundaries in our lives the Devil will fill the void with unhealthy boundaries. We cannot leave the power in evil’s hands.Second, John tells us that following God’s boundaries and plans leads to a better life than we could ever dream of. God wants to see you succeed. He wants to see the Kingdom advance and evil fail. He has stopped at nothing to give you the tools, the desire, and the ability to do it. Place Jesus at the center of your life and build boundaries around Him. Jesus himself gives us confidence to endure all storms that will come our way.“If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.” [MATTHEW 7:25]Take the initiative today and set clear boundaries based on Jesus teaching and life. If you refuse to get serious about identifying your boundaries then the Devil will set them for you.  Experience the abundant life Jesus speaks about in the scriptures by drawing clear boundaries.  Share your new list of boundaries with a close trusted friend in the next 5 days.




10/18/11--17:11: Grow a Pair!!! (chan 3174445)

Seriously. How could think for one second that the issue of compromise is an unworthy topic of conversation to discuss in an open format? What are you waiting for: some pastor to screw up so bad it taints the whole of Christendom? For church to get a bad name, or be called irrelevant because they won't talk about the gritty things in life? Really, what's the hold up?  

You're scared. So what! We get it; everyone does. No one wants to see the skeletons come out of the closet. Think about it: what if someones garbage is seriously nasty; who wants to deal with that? No one does, but it doesn't mean it should not be dealt with. 

The longer churches sweep the dirt under the rug, the longer culture continues to be turned off to the message of hope we should be offering. Can you honestly say you really want that? 

Do you need help figuring all this out and how you can best address this with your congregation? If so, we are here to help. That's what we're all about. We don't want to point fingers at any one specific church, but we do want to bring this out into the open in an uncompromising manner. 

 




10/25/11--04:55: Do The Hokie Pokie (chan 3174445)

You put your right foot in, right foot out, right foot in now shake it all about…

I’m not much of a dancer, in fact I have been compared to a plucked chicken connected to the mains power (that’s 240volts here in New Zealand) yet I side stepped, leaped, and Hokie Pokied like a pro to keep the darkest part of me a secret.

One moment I am all in, preaching the word of God, visiting the hurt and dreaming and strategizing for the Kingdom of God, the next moment I take my foot out and huddle around a computer trying to satisfy some driving desire with pornography. I knew a big crash was coming yet felt powerless to stop it and dutifully took my part in the slow motion wreck about to happen.

I thought the elaborate dance I was choreographing was to keep my addiction secret from my wife, fellow ministry leaders, the congregation, and if truth be told from God himself.  Now in hindsight I can see that the dance itself was just as damaging as the secret lust I carried.  The dance required that I speed the tempo up when I was on an up, dance like crazy when I wasn't overtaken by my addiction.

My preaching became more animated, loud, and motivational as I tried to make up for my deficiency.  My visions and dreams became larger and more elaborate to atone for the dark spots in me.   I was becoming a mile wide but only an inch deep but thought the frenzied spiritual dance would fool everyone.

Not only was my addiction killing my soul but my carefully choreographed dance was driving me into burnout.  It was the dance and the addiction to pornography that nearly ended me and it wasn't until I was found out with pornography that I could begin the process of being made whole.  To my surprise I found much love and help after an initial phase of anger, resentment (rightly received from my loving wife)  and humiliation for my sexual addiction yet the dance I danced become such a pattern for my ministry life that I still struggle to change the choreography to a dance with more beauty and honesty.

The thing is I thought I had looked great on the dance floor, yet everybody else just saw a crazy plucked chicken plugged into the mains.  I needed to not only man up as a minister to my weakness, sin and addiction but also change my ministry dance.  While I still am on guard with pornography and must be aware at all times I can say that my ministry is now not driven to make up for my deficits and is producing real fruit.




11/08/11--13:17: What Are We Teaching Them (chan 3174445)

Young people, dating and marriage: What Are We Teaching Them?

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are ending their marriage of less than 3 months. Reportedly they collected 10 million dollars for their wedding which breaks down to about 139,000 a day. Scarlette Johansson defended her  revealing photos to be released in an upcoming issue if Vanity Fair says, “It’s not like I was shooting porno…Although there’s nothing wrong with that either.” All around us there are stories of people who are influencing and educating young people about the issues of purity, dating, and marriage. The world is doing such a good job teaching our kids, why should we share our voice, our opinion, and our convictions about such issues?

What is our silence teaching them? God intended for another voice to dominate the conversation. HIS VOICE.

It is time we get comfortable about addressing issues of sexuality. Young people are going to continue dating, continue exploring boundaries in marriage, and evaluating messages from media. Leaders in the church must add a strong voice to the discussion. Recently a new member of our Advisory Board for XXXchurch called me in great frustration. He couldn’t believe that in the midst of such a battle for our children’s bodies the church would be reluctant to speak boldly about the issue.

Why is it we can speak so boldly about theological issues that most of our congregation members care less about but refuse to meet them in the everyday issues of their lives? We are teaching our young people that God does not care about their sex lives and their ongoing struggle with purity. It is time for boldness in our teaching around dating, marriage, and sex. God does not blush when this subject is brought up and neither should we! Paul addresses it head on in the scriptures.

“God honored the Master's body by raising it from the grave. He'll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not.

16-20There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.” [1 CORINTHIANS 6:14-20]

I want to encourage you to teach about the issues confronting our young people in both your personal example of purity and with your bold biblical voice. Share your plan for purity. Share your failures and your successes. If the door has been closed in your church begin to open it. I believe God will work radically in our churches as we get honesty about the REAL struggle for our bodies. After all, our bodies are “a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit.”




11/15/11--13:56: How Has Choosing Discipline Given You Sexual Freedom (chan 3174445)

Why is winning so difficult?  What an easy slide it was into an addiction to pornography, I wish my natural inclination was to chase purity just as hard as it chased destruction.

I have always struggled with disciplines. I am the last minute guy it’s feast or famine when it comes to exercise, bible study, prayer, sermon prep, maintenance.  While the thought of being ‘found out’ was my greatest fear it was by no means my greatest battle to sexual freedom, that battle was reprogramming my life through implementing new spiritual, physical and emotional disciplines.

Implementing physical boundaries concerning access to the internet seems like an easy discipline but when you are tired, depressed or just alone it is amazing what you will do to get your fix.  I couldn’t do it on my own, the disciplines I needed in my life required accountability, transparency and a huge amount of effort and self control, which if I had already possessed I wouldn’t be in this mess.

I needed help so I started to build an army, friends who knew my addiction, a pastor who asked the hard questions, a wife who continued to pull out of me healthy connections, computer programs that kept me away from those sites….

Discipline is defiantly in the answer to our addiction but you will need an army to help you as if we could do it ourselves we would have long before now.  Be real, be hurt, and be ready for healing, wholeness and a new lease on life.  Discipline is hard but once built provides many barriers of protection to a sometimes weak and selfish heart.

Battling sexual addiction with the right weapons, such as good disciplines and an army, will ensure you don’t end up like the traveller in the Eagles song ‘Hotel California’ who couldn’t kill the beast.

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device’

And in the master’s chambers,

They gathered for the feast

The stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can’t kill the beast




12/06/11--16:56: S&M How Do Pastors Discuss This In Council (chan 3174445)

Is S&M the new normal? How do we as pastors talk about this in council?

Well... is it? It certainly is becoming more mainstream, normative in media and general cultural conversation. But is it a socially accepted genre or it is still a closeted vice that should stay there? As our culture progresses more and more liberally, you can expect S&M to become more commonplace, and therefore something that you as a pastor will need to be prepared to deal with.

In light of this progression, it will be essential you deal with the value of a person and their humanity; who God created them to be and how they are to be seen by others. S&M is not blatantly discussed in scripture, though some people may think the Bible alludes to this conversation. Because we do not deal with allusions on this site, let us look at the core of the S&M behavior and the value of a person.

First then, why do people engage in S&M behavior? Let’s not beat around the bush here and just come out with the top three reasons we have seen:

S&M is an attempt to spice up the relationship. S&M is an attempt to procure dominance in a relationship. S&M is new and different.

Can anyone disagree with the statement, “to try something new?” It would be hard to, but at what time to you understand that the newness of your sexuality is not the issue? There is something deeper here than an attempt at being fresh in your sex life. What about the issue of dominance? If your sexuality is based upon an inequality of each person in the relationship, then again, there are deeper issues at hand. Lastly, is the necessity to deal with the spiciness of a relationship.  There is no denying the fact that relationships go through both peaks and valleys. However, is it the spice of S&M that breaks a relationship free to become a peak again where it used to be a valley, or is it something deeper? I would argue that it is indeed something deeper. It is the relationship as a whole, two people coming together in an attempt to be as close as possible. The spice you once lost is but back not because of adding spice, but at working at your relationship as a team.

In conclusion, if you are a pastor who is attempting to deal with the issue of S&M, be aware of the following key points:

S&M is not a biblical thing, it is a personhood thing. S&M is becoming normative, so you must learn to wrestle with it.


12/13/11--13:07: Is There A Way Out Of This Lifestyle (chan 3174445)

There is an old Indian saying ‘The first thirty years you make habits, the next thirty years those habits make you’.

The lifestyle of a sexual addict has ‘owned’ me since I was a teenager who discovered a discarded porno magazine and let it into my life.  Granted others may not have been captured as quickly or as totally as I was, but there seemed to be a ‘filling’ connection for a moment that took me out of my awkward life, an escape and joy that I got nowhere else and to be honest I enjoyed it, for a moment.

I spent the next 20 years cultivating this habit, when I was stressed I turned to pornography, when I loathed myself I turned to masturbation.  I was forming a habit that was destroying my soul, my self image, my image of women and my ability for a good relationship yet I was powerless to stop it.  Not only had I built a habit now the habit was taking me to darker and darker places, I started looking at images that once would cause absolute repulsion but now provided a form of release.  The habit formed in me by the holes in my heart was now winning, was now overtaking me, was now ‘making me’ and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Is anything to hard for God? As a leader in a Pentecostal church I held strong to the notion that God is very active today in healing the sick, casting out demons, changing situations and providing miraculously for us.  It is core to my faith that ‘Nothing is impossible for God’ yet while I preached this I was experiencing doubt overtake me as I could not shift this dark addiction.  Had I found something that was impossible for God?  If God couldn’t deliver me then what hope did I have?  I tried everything in private.  I would declare, fast, pray, try to deliver the demon in me…..

The biggest problem was me. I was wanting God to deliver me in a second, in private so that I could forget this was even a part of my life.  It would seem this ‘easy Christianity’ is not the way God likes to work.  I still believe God can deliver in an instant, and have heard of it happening, but I have to say the path of walking with Him everyday as I fight this addiction has built in me a greater understanding and appreciation of who God is, His Love, Grace, Mercy and power.

There was a way out, it wasn’t a door in the dark it was a light switch. As my addiction was brought into the light, as I confessed it and stood ready for the consequences I started to discover a God who works in dark places, who works through the love of others who should have rejected me (their love blew me away and mirrored the absolute love of God, thanks Linda, Dave, Pip…) and most of all works daily to do what was impossible for me.




12/20/11--13:08: Sex Toys; Are they OK for Marriage? (chan 3174445)

I was sitting in a room with about 60 women when the question was asked, “Is it okay to use sex toys in your marriage?” Honestly, I was not sure how to answer the question. What sex toys are we talking about? That was the wrong question. The conversation spun out of control and brought me way outside my comfort zone. After an uncomfortable minute I handed off the question to another XXXchurch speaker who was in the room, a female speaker!

When it really comes down to it, I don’t believe the answer is a matter of right or wrong but rather beneficial or harmful.

Listen to Paul’s words regarding the line between freedom in Christ and sexual immorality.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!” [1 CORINTHIANS 6:12-15]

When it comes to this issue of sex toys there are two questions that you must ask.

1.     Is this creating deeper union between my spouse and I?

Some might argue that the creativity of sex toys increases intimacy between husband and wife, whereas others are convinced of just the opposite. Love me or hate me, here is my two cents.

The items you bring into the marriage bed can be similar to adding a third person to your sex life. It is no longer two people engaging in sexual intimacy a third person is invited to be a part of it. In a matter of time you can become dependent on the toys for a healthy and happy sex life. The toys have mastered you. They have taken control over your intimacy and without them your sex life is now boring and uneventful. Is this true in every case? No. However, it is a danger and a common outcome to introducing “someone” new into your marriage bed. I would really ask the important questions before introducing toys into a marriage. In the long term, are sex toys really benefiting your marriage? Are they creating deeper union?

2.     Do sex toys trigger immoral memories and thoughts?

What I thought was a routine meeting with a high school age kid turned out to be so much more. Within minutes of sitting down he expressed the need to get something off of his chest. I was a safe place for him to share and so he began to confess his sexual immorality. He had participated in a threesome with one other high school boy and girl. He explained the situation to me and I asked him where he came up with such a plan. He didn’t learn these moves from the school textbook on sexuality – these actions came straight from a porn movie. What was once on the screen was now being acted out in his bedroom.

My fear with sex toys is the triggers. These toys can easily trigger unhealthy memories from immoral influences. When you allow this to take place in your marriage bed you invite pain and dysfunction into the most intimate aspect of your marriage. The argument for toys is comparable to the argument for masturbation. If I can masturbate while thinking about the book of Leviticus there is nothing wrong with what I am doing, right? Wrong. Masturbation will lead to lustful thoughts and a lustful mind. I believe sex toys pose the same threat. Invite them into your marriage and now you are walking the line between healthy and unhealthy. I believe you will probably lose in the end and become comfortable walking on the wrong side of the line.

Does the bible directly refer the use of sex toys in marriage? No. The bible encourages all married couples to enjoy one another, to share the oneness of body, and to have sex for pleasure. The bible speaks about a sexual relationship between one husband and one wife and no one else.




12/29/11--13:26: Making a choice for Godly Sex (chan 3174445)

The only way we can ever make a choice for Godly sex is first to understand what God’s design for sex is. To tackle this we first have to admit that we are sexual beings. God created us as physical,mental,spiritual, and sexual beings. This means that sexual expression in a God honoring way is not only good but part of God’s plan. After all sex was created before the fall. Genesis 1:22 And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth."

God Created sex for 2 major reasons:

The first is to perpetuate intimacy. Sex can be a very intimate and deeply satisfying act. God wants us to have sex inside of marriage because it leads to a stronger marriage, creates intimacy and keeps us from sin. 1 Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Marriages that have healthy sex lives are usually marriages that will last. A sense of deep intimacy will carry over into other avenues of your life from dealing with conflict to making wise choices to raising kids.

The second thing that God designed Sex for is worship. We don’t always view sex this way but I believe if we did that we would have a better view of not only sex but of God. We were created to worship and it is why sex can so easily lead us astray. Satan likes nothing more than to use those God honoring traits for destruction. Every time we have sex we are tapping into the sexual side of our being that God created.

Knowing that God created sex for intimacy and worship we can start to look at how to make Godly choices and this leads us to 2 thoughts.

1.Sex changes everything!!

          Sex is created for marriage and when we engage in sex outside of marriage we find that we are becoming one with someone in a spiritual and sexual nature. When or if this doesn’t work out it is devastating. The separation can be like trying to rip flesh apart.This is why Paul speaks about this in 1 Corinthians 6:16-17 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, "The two will become one flesh." 17But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. The act of sex outside of marriage can be devastating but inside of marriage it can strengthen and support. We also see the second part of making godly is knowing this

2.Sex is not a solo sport!!

          Intimacy is not created by or for ourselves. Any time we engage in sex as a solo sport we end up destroying intimacy. Whether its pornography, masturbation, or romance novels its all about living in a fantasy world. These fantasies end up removing intimacy from the marriage. This has an opposite affect than what we desire. We are left with a feeling of emptiness, guilt or shame. This in turn drives us right back into the same behaviors we just left looking for fulfillment and finding none.

Making Godly choices are not easy and usually not cut and dry but armed with the idea that we should keep sex inside of a marriage and keep it from being a solo sport is a great start.




01/03/12--19:57: The Starting Point: Addiction (chan 3174445)

Have you noticed how beginnings can be so small, random and seemingly serendipitous?  I have just finished reading another biography where the success of the main character can be traced back to a small event that if not jumped upon could have been missed.  For great or for destruction the beginning often seems so harmless.

The trap was set and I walked straight into it and was snared, they had used a type of honey that satisfied a sweet hunger in me.  As a tall gangly teenager, the oldest child of four, it was my job to break in the parents.  They weren’t ultra strict but were really distant during those years of adolescence where I was the first of the kids to go to the school dance, the first to venture into the murky waters of ‘boy – girl’ relationships, the first to get the sex talk (a book dropped into my bedroom and a quick ‘did you get it?’ from dad after a school organized sex ed talk.).  Sex was hidden in our house so I learned that any sexual urge I had was to be kept hidden.  I was an average kid, not accepted into the higher echelons of coolness at school but was good at sport so flirted with being somebody.  Because I came from a religious family I never did fit in with the other kids anyway.

So where did it actually begin? What act set me on the road to an addiction to pornography, well it was so small an act that I can’t tell you as I don’t know what it was.  I can tell you about finding ‘The Joy of sex’ book in my parents room and masturbating to the pictures and the playboy magazine found tuck away in the hedge of the local park and the ‘blue’ movie hidden at the back of the cabinet at my friends house….  I know my actions are my responsibility and I cannot blame another but as I look back to the period of my life when the ‘seed’ was planted for this pornography addiction I can see my lack of confidence with people, my parents inability to engage with me about sex, the invasion of sex through movies and advertising (the 80’s) all combined to create a fertile ground for the seed of addiction to grow.

Now I wonder if a better question is ‘how did I let the addiction grow to an issue that overtook my life?’.  It was one small exposure on another that built my addiction.  When the 14 year old kid planted the seed little did he know the 30 year old man he would become was going to have access to the internet that would tend the mighty ‘oak tree of addiction’.   Many kids have a similar experience to me but didn’t get caught in the vicious cycle of pornography, or did they? 

It is so easy to plant the seed that leads to addiction.  I write this from a café where today the waitress just threw open the latest fashion mag in my face with half naked women posed in explicit situations and asks ‘what in the world are they doing?’  Indeed the seeds are everywhere!

Do you find yourself in the same spot as Jason was? Are you looking for a way to get help and accountability? Check out our resources or maybe you are looking for an accountability group and can not seem to find on around you. Take a look at the X3 Groups Online. New groups starting in February.




01/10/12--13:33: Walking Out Of The Shadows (chan 3174445)

The process of facing addictions head on is a very frightening course of action. When we suddenly realize that we have behaviors that are addictions or behaviors that are harmful we have 2 choices. We can either choose the process of healing or we can choose to turn inward creating a wall of denial where we pretend everything is just fine. My hope is we choose the former.

In 12 step programs the first 3 steps are as follows:

1. We admitted we were powerless over ________ that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Many have boiled the first three steps down to this statement “I can’t, He can, I think I’ll let him.” The Bible views this process much the same with a little different language and focus. The Bible teaches us: We all fall short (Romans 3:23) Only Jesus can save us ( John 14:6) and true recovery takes transparency ( James 5:16) and accountability (Colossians 3:16)

Your Only As Sick As Your Secrets

Starting to face our addictions is hard for this very reason, being as sick as our secrets. As addicts we become adept at hiding our addictions. We make the outside look good while the problem we know exists is turned inward as doubt, loneliness, self loathing and shame. We try to fix it with our own will power and prayer but most the times we end up right back where we started except we often feel more defeated and broken than when we began. This cycle will continue as long as we remain a secret. If the problem could be fixed on our own we would have done it long ago. Exposing our addictions is the only way to start the process of healing. James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. When we ask for help we begin to see our problems and addictions through a different lens. Those issues that had kept us separated from others with the feelings of loneliness and isolation start to dissipate and we find healing and wholeness. This process should be done in a relationship. I don’t recommend finding someone anonymous and “spiritually barfing” on them. I believe James calls us to work through this process with someone we trust and who has our best interest at heart. This may mean starting slowly and working into a transparent relationship.

If Accountability Was Easy Everyone Would Do It

After we become transparent we need to start to allow ourselves to be available to regular accountability. This may feel good at first but become increasingly difficult as time goes on. Some are willing to put blockers on their internet or accountability software on there phones right after a fall but when the addict starts to crave and miss the addition it is easy to fall right back into the trap of poor choices. Regular and sustained accountability is the only way to find lasting freedom. Here are a few tools to help with that.

1. Decide Before A Crisis

People are willing to set up accountability when they are doing well. It takes a whole different attitude to submit to accountability when we are in trouble. When our addictions take over we might want to justify and defend our decisions. If we decide that accountability is a crucial step and set it up ahead of time it will make the process easier to handle when the going gets tough.

2. Set Up A Regular Meeting Times

There is always so much to do and so little time to get it done. Maintaining a regular meeting schedule will help when life get busy. When we are stuck in our addictions we find every excuse in the world not to meet with people that will hold us accountable. Having a scheduled appointment that is unbreakable will help keep you accountable.

3.Allow The Person(s) Freedom

Accountability only works when we submit to it. I have witnessed people who say they are in an accountable relationship however are never asked the tough questions. Allowing someone to be able to ask any and all questions without anything being off limits is crucial. This kind of relationship fosters a level of trust and accountability that has value and makes a difference.

4.Accountability Is About Relationship

The goal with all accountability is restoration and wholeness. We must seek out those who will hold us accountable with grace and dignity. If we find ourselves in a graceless accountability relationship not only can this become damaging and toxic but it is also easy for the addict to become evasive and withhold truth.

As we start to step out of the shadows by confessing our secrets to another and submit to accountability, we will start to find the kind of freedom Jesus came to give us.

Luke 4:18-19 "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor."

Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.

X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.

X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.




01/19/12--12:50: The Day I Made The Decision! (chan 3174445)

"There is no such thing as a free lunch"

I was about to pay the "reaper" for years of secret consumption.

 

At this point I wish I could say I was the courageous one who had had an epiphany and decided to change his life for the best and boldly walked the road of redemption, healing and finally glory.  Instead I was a coward hiding in the shadows living in fear that as a minister my dark pornography secret would be discovered and my life would be ruined. 

Moment by moment my secret addiction was being leaked to those around me and the web of lies that I was now weaving in a vain attempt to stay hidden were now adding heaviness to a soul that was struggling to carry life.

It was my wife that discovered my secret as she surfed the internet, I was careless and some of the sites I had looked at sent some messages.  I was now stuck as she angrily confronted me and my reaction was not one of a noble man, I lied through my teeth explaining that this is some silly mistake due to these sites somehow getting our IP address and were just sending these randomly.  She seemed to have bought the lie and I was safe, I should quit now, stay away make an effort and stop this sick addiction, only I couldn’t.

Over the next six months my wife was on heightened alert with me and the computer and was always checking up on me which finally led to a large argument where it all came out in the wash, I was caught, I was trapped, I had to pay the price and it was larger than I had ever imagined.  I did not understand how much this addiction had numbed my conscience, how much my lies to cover my tracks had destroyed my soul and most of all I had no idea how much my pornography addiction would hurt my wife.

She demanded I see the Pastor, my boss, and if I didn’t do it today she would.  This was it, my dreams and desires to serve God were over.  Shows how selfish I really was as I was so focused on how this would ruin me I didn’t take a second to think how it would hurt others.  I remember walking through a large shopping center and I just started to cry thinking my life was about to finish.  I was now preparing myself for the worst, public ridicule as a minister caught in pornography and a marriage in ruins as my wife took these actions as adultery. 

This coward deserved it all but instead received something he didn’t deserve, love and grace.  Linda stayed with me and ended up being a great help in me overcoming my addiction, my pastor and leadership of the church insisted on me taking time out but worked with me to bring me back.  Even now as I write this I am overcome with the love and strength shown by those around me, what have I done to deserve this.  It hasn’t been easy and it took some time to completely win my wife back and bring healing to my broken soul but the best thing that ever happened to me was being found out. 

God is gracious and I have no doubt that he orchestrated my downfall. Not every minister caught in pornography will have my experience in fact many may indeed suffer public ridicule and loose relationships and position, the price I deserved to pay, but friend the longer you leave it to pay the price the higher the cost becomes.  I am convinced that God loves you and me so much that He will not leave us the way we are and the way forward my require some pain but the end goal is well worth the price.

Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.

X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.

X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.




01/24/12--13:00: Has Pornography Invaded Your Life? (chan 3174445)

Invasion: An incursion; an effort to conquest or plunder.  

Has pornography invaded my life? The answer to that question is more dynamic than one might think. Yes, porn has invaded my life in that it is everywhere; porn is media driven, socially ambiguous and cultural prevalent. As a pastor, I feel as though I am always under constant attack in this manner. Go ahead and do a quick Google search for pastor in the news section and you can see a direct connection between sexual promiscuity (in its various forms) and pastoral blowups. It is a real sad state, but it is reality.  

And at the same time yes, porn has invaded my life. Yet another answer is also true. No, porn has not invaded my life. No because though the incursion is mounted up against me and the temptation is always present, it has not been allowed a place to attack or penetrate. I have a great support system who keeps me accountable, and keeps me to my word. 

I have a wife who holds me to the highest standard: as a pastor, as a father, and most importantly as a husband.  I have a friend who is not afraid to ask the difficult questions as well as share his mess.  XXXChurch has my back: x3Watch for my Mac, phone and iPad keeps track of what I do on the web and let’s me and my accountability structure know if I am slipping.  

So while the answer to the question is both yes and no, I can honestly answer that porn is not allowed a foothold in my life. It is not conquering me and it certainly is not plundering. Let the incursion continue. I am prepared. My team is prepared. Are you?

Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.

X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.

X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.

 




01/28/12--02:08: 30 Signs You May Be Struggling With Sexual Addiction (chan 3174445)

1. You are adamant that it is not your issue

2. Your eyes scan every woman who walks into the room

3. You unexpectedly go silent

4. You find yourself searching for sexual partners online just for research

5. You go out of your way to drive by strip clubs

6. You call escorts to ask questions without making a commitment

7. You erase your temporary Internet history daily

8. You only search the web after clicking on the “start private browsing” tab

9. You masturbate every day or every other day

10. Whenever you are alone you look at porn

11. You schedule your day around when you will view porn

12. You work overtime at work to make up for time looking at porn

13. You have secrets

14. Your idea of telling the truth is not getting caught lying

15. You can’t have an orgasm with a real person

16. You think strangers notice you and “want” you

17. You stare through your neighbor’s windows

18. You sleep with prostitutes

19. You spend money you don’t have to satisfy the urge

20. You know your actions will destroy your life yet still choose to engage

21. You tell half-truths

22. If you have had multiple sexual affairs

23. If you go the gym and workout your eyes instead of your muscles

24. If you have hidden porn

25. If you talk dirty with strangers

26. If you have relationships (sexual or non) that your spouse is not aware exist

27. If you stay up late surfing channels for a glimpse of skin

28. If you subscribe to a men’s magazine

29. If you undress women with your eyes as a regular practice

30. If you buy condoms even though you are single and don’t have a sexual partner




02/10/12--02:51: Isolating Impact of Pornography (chan 3174445)

Isn’t it true that God created men and women to thrive in a communal environment? I am not talking about sharing a home with 4 other families who have all decided to pool their money for food while all 14 kids run wild through the shared house. I am talking about the deep need built into every human being to belong, to be transparent, and to experience life in a deep relationship with God and others.

God created men and women to live in community with one another and the isolating impact of pornography exists in direct contrast to God’s intended plan for you.

When Adam & Eve chose to pursue a different path than God intended they immediately realized their nakedness. In an attempt to solve their self-made crisis they sewed fig leaves together and then found a tree to hide under. Their sin had drawn them to isolation. As they are hiding in the trees they hear the voice of God.

“But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” 10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”” [GENESIS 3:9-10]

It is clear that pornography will isolate someone to the trees.

Sin in general and especially pornography will cause you to isolate from God. The shame is often so great that coming face to face with God is terrifying. You know you have done something wrong, you know you have denied God’s intended direction for your life, and you want nothing more than to hide in the darkness. This often results in pulling back from the environments in your life where you feel closest to God. This isolation invites more shame and ultimately a breeding ground for future sin.

In our isolation from God you also isolate from others. The people in your life who care and will help get pushed out. Ever wonder what happened to the guys in your accountability group who are seemingly to busy to show up? When we fail we hide from others. You choose your addiction to pornography over your kid’s soccer game, a family dinner, or walk in the park. The distress inside your mind makes is nearly impossible to operate in a healthy relationship. Over time the isolation of pornography will destroy the most important relationships in your life.

God presents another option. God’s offer is for a better life, a life of refreshment.

“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,” [ACTS 3:19]

If you want to be alone and broken, pornography may just be right for you. If you desire forgiveness, relief, and refreshment then Jesus offers HIS way.




02/16/12--17:49: How does masturbation isolate you from your responsibilities as a pastor? (chan 3174445)

Masturbation, at its very root, is very individualistic. It is self-serving. There is no getting around it. While the conversation can include an expansion into the married life, the conversation of this post will focus on the act of masturbation by a pastor, and the implications that come with said action. 

Masturbation runs contrary to what pastors teach. In all things, pastors teach their congregations to be holy as God is holy, to be above reproach in all things, to respect and embrace the sexual constructions God has blessed us with; to live life as if God was within you… because He is through the Spirit. Yet for the pastor who says these things and then goes off and pleasures himself, they bring judgment upon themselves. At their root, they are are hypocrites. 

The masturbating pastor runs contrary to their main role as shepherd. Their is no leading or guiding principle for the self-serving pastor. In all things, they must lead others as Christ has led. Therefore, if we are to take the isolationist position of masturbation and apply it to the role of the pastor, we would see the faulty logic. You cannot reconcile masturbation with pastoring. The two are exclusive terms, completely contradictory to one another. 

As a pastor, what must I do? If you are a pastor who has a platform for communicating God's Word and with that you destroy your integrity with how you live your life, stop! It is time for you to stop living a hypocritical and selfish life. Allow God to take your humility and transform you into who He wants you to be. Understand that God's best for you is a life of sexual purity and integrity. The conversation from here expands far beyond the reaches of masturbation though, as you can probably guess. It goes down to who someone really is: either they are who they say they are in public, or they are who they hide in private.

Which one are you?